It has been seven months since I suffered a miscarriage and said goodbye to what was the happiest thing to grow in 2020. I kept my pregnancy quiet since I was still in the first trimester but I have to say it was one of the happiest moments of my life. My Fiancé and I have been engaged for over two years and with the world in a quarantine and losing everything I've worked for my entire life, all I wanted to do was start a family so that I had something real to hold onto. The Pandemic that shut down the world and my three businesses gave me perspective and made me realize that I've been working so hard my entire life and for what? Everything (money, success, etc.) can be snatched from you in a blink of an eye. I was depressed and saw no hope. Jared and I decided to start a family and it happened sooner than we could have imagined. He was proud to say the least.
My first few weeks were exhausting. I slept for 11-12 hours each night and could barely keep my eyes open. Simultaneously, I was re-opening my Gym and had a lot of work to do. I was so happy and starting writing letters to my baby letting him/her know how much I already love him/her. I was shopping for cribs, thinking about names, and every decision I made was for my baby. What I ate, how much I moved around, where I went, I started vitamins, doctors appointments, I quarantined to protect my baby. I felt what it was like to be a mom for two months. I felt what it was like to live for another human and to put your own needs aside. I kept imagining the little face that I would get to meet within 9 months and Jared and I cherished my belly each day talking to our baby.
I was 8 weeks along when I did bloodwork and they told me it looked like I was only 6 weeks and that's totally normal because the bloodwork is more accurate than any formulas to determine the due date. A few weeks later I went for my first ultrasound, I was so excited and even though Jared wasn't allowed in the room due to the pandemic and restrictions, I was in love when I saw the little growth in my womb. I was told I was only 6 weeks along again, when it had been 10 weeks since I found out I was pregnant. They couldn't find a heartbeat and told me that was normal as well and to come back in two weeks and we will hear it.
The very next day, I started bleeding. I called the doctor and they told me to go to the ER. I didn't want to go since everyone was getting COVID-19 and I was scared to put myself in that position. Jared and I went back and forth about what to do and by the end of the night, I decided to go.
Upon entering the hospital, there was no one there as they weren't letting anyone in the waiting room. I went straight to a room where they did blood tests and an ultrasound. It looked like the baby was still intact and they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and told me to go home. The next morning I woke up to a feeling of being stabbed in the uterus. I had never felt anything like that in my life. For hours, I was bleeding and suffering and nothing could ease my emotional and physical pain. It was awful.
Jared had a fight coming up and he had to train so I was home alone screaming in agony. My friend came over to keep me company and I am so grateful for her. I finally saw the gestational sac even though I was in denial the entire time. What a terrible thing for anyone to have to witness. I wondered why God thought I was strong enough for this. Since March 2020 I fought to keep my businesses alive, I lost multiple bank accounts, went into debt, and saw a profitable business become in debt and barely alive. Why did I deserve to lose my baby too?
The pain and bleeding lasted for a week and then spotting for weeks after that. 5 days after the miscarriage, I got a headache and tested positive for COVID-19. Still Bleeding and mourning the death of my baby, I was sick with the virus that the entire world was in a craze about. Young healthy people dying all over the world. Was that how it would end for me? Jared was in Abu Dhabi literally on the other side of the world to fight and I was home alone sick, mourning, and feeling hopeless for life. I had a business that was barely surviving and the only thing that made me happy was gone and I lost my taste and smell and was the sickest I have ever been in my life with COVID symptoms.
Words cannot describe the pain I felt and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. Honestly, my faith was definitely tested in these moments. Why would a God who loves me, make me suffer in all areas of my life? How could He allow me to endure the pain physically, emotionally, financially? I wondered what I did to bring these terrible things to my life. Then I realized something in the midst of my suffering. God did not inflict punishment on me by taking all of my business away and shutting down my gym. God did not mean to cause harm to me by taking away my baby and He most certainly didn't want to hurt me by giving me COVID-19. It was the complete opposite. God was blessing me.
God blessed me when he humbled me and took away my profits. He forced me to appreciate any little thing that comes my way and to not take advantage of the plentiful that I had before. When He took my baby from me He gave me the opportunity to train for American Ninja Warrior again. Not to mention, two weeks later I got into a terrible car accident (which I will write about in another blog post) where I had to jump out of the window of my RV and I don't think I would have been able to do that pregnant. I could have lost the baby in that accident and held resentment towards the young girl who was driving on the wrong side of the road. I don't know why He took my baby but I know it was for the best and I know He will bless me with one when the time is right. When God blessed me with COVID, I spent 18 days laying in bed for the first time in two years unable to think about all the responsibilities in my life. Although I was sick, in pain, suffering, it was somehow still an escape from the life that was sucking the joy out of me. Looking back, yes it was all terrible, but I trust God way too much to think that it was for anything but the best.
You see, God only works for the good and if we are to truly believe this, then how can we get upset when life doesn't go our way? If we truly believe God is good, how can we allow the painful events in life take away our peace? Knowing that God only works for the good gives us the peace of mind that everything will not only be okay but it will be better than okay. This is a difficult concept to embrace and I struggle with it when life gets hard but at the end of the day I know one thing: God got me here, so he will bring me there. I have overcome plenty of obstacles in my life and although some of them were horrible, I am still alive and breathing. I am still standing, breathing, jumping and twisting.
So After Jared won his fight and came home to me. We were eager to get away and enjoy life together. That is when we took the RV out for the final trip. Stay posted and I will share how amazing our trip was and how it ended abruptly when we almost had a head on collision on the side of a mountain in Utah. A story only God could have written....
Stay Strong Everyone and Trust God Through it All!